Popular author Mark Manson asked readers of his blog to share relationship tips. More than 1,500 people wrote to him about their experiences. And using this material, Mark derived the basic rules of sustainable relationships.

But first, it’s worth remembering the reasons why you shouldn’t start one at all:

Pressure from family or friends.
Loneliness.
Naive infatuation. When it seems that love is the solution to all problems and the only meaning of life.
Insecurities or complexes. This inevitably leads to an unhealthy relationship: we love our partner only as long as he makes us feel better. And under such conditions real intimacy cannot emerge.
1 Be realistic.

Real love is not at all like romantic love, which makes us ignore our partner’s faults. It’s a choice. It’s the constant support of the other person regardless of the prevailing circumstances. It is the understanding that your relationship will not always be unclouded. It is the need to deal with your partner’s problems, his fears and thoughts, even when you do not want to.

Such love is more prosaic, it requires from the partners much more effort. But nevertheless, it gives a person much more. After all, in the end, it brings real happiness, and not another short-lived euphoria.

2. Respect each other

This is the main thing in a relationship. Not attraction, not common goals, not religion or even love. There will be times when you start to feel like you don’t love each other at all anymore. But if you lose respect for your partner, you will never get it back.

Communication, no matter how open and frequent it would be, in any case, at some point will come to a standstill. There is no way to avoid conflicts and resentments.

The only thing that will save your relationship is unwavering respect. Without this, you will always doubt each other’s intentions, judge your partner’s choices and try to limit their independence.

In addition, you need to respect yourself. Without self-respect you will not be able to feel that you deserve the respect of your partner. You will be constantly trying to prove that you are worthy of it, and as a result you will only hurt your relationship.

Never complain about your partner to friends.

If you are dissatisfied with something in his behavior, discuss it with him himself, not with friends and relatives.

Respect the fact that your partner may have interests, hobbies and views that differ from yours.

Respect the opinion of your half. Do not forget that you are a team. If one person is dissatisfied, then seek a solution together.

Do not keep everything inside, discuss any problems. You should not have forbidden subjects for conversation.

Respect is directly connected with trust. And trust is the foundation of any relationship (not just romantic). Without it, there can be no sense of intimacy and serenity.

3. Discuss any problems.

If you are not happy with something, talk about it. For you, no one will fix your relationship. The main thing to preserve trust is the absolute honesty and openness of both partners.

Share your doubts and fears, especially those of which you do not tell anyone else. This will not only help heal some of the wounds of the soul, but also to better understand your partner.

Keep your promises. The only way to rebuild trust is to keep your word.

Learn to distinguish between your partner’s suspicious behavior and your own complexes. Usually during quarrels one person thinks his behavior is perfectly normal, while the other person thinks the same thing is categorically wrong.

Trust is somewhat like a porcelain plate. If it falls and breaks, with great difficulty it can still be glued back together. If you break it again, there will be twice as many pieces, and it will take more time and effort to put them back together. But if you drop the plate again and again, in the end, it will break into such small pieces that it will be impossible to glue them back together.

4. Don’t Try to Control Each Other

We often hear that relationships require sacrifice. There is some truth in it: sometimes you do have to give up something. But if both partners are constantly sacrificing themselves, they are unlikely to be happy. That kind of relationship will only end up hurting them both.

Each person must be an independent individual with his own views and interests.

Trying to control your partner to make them happy (or letting them control their own actions) won’t do any good.

Some people are afraid to give their partner freedom and independence. This may be due to a lack of trust or insecurity. The less we value ourselves, the more we will try to control our partner’s behavior.

5. Be prepared for both of you to change.

You and your partner will change over time – it’s completely natural. That’s why it’s important to always be aware of the changes and respect them.

If you plan to spend several decades together, you need to be prepared for difficulties and unforeseen situations.

Among the significant changes that many couples face may be a change of religion and political views, a move to another country, the death of relatives (including children).

When you begin dating, you only know what that person is like now. You have no way of knowing what he will be like in five or 10 years. So you have to be prepared for the unexpected. Of course, this is not easy. But it can help to know how to fight.

6. Learn how to fight.

Psychologist John Gottman (John Gottman) has identified four signs of behavior that point to a possible breakup:

– Character criticism (You’re stupid instead of You did something stupid).

– Shifting blame.

– Insults.

– Walking away from an argument and ignoring your partner.

That’s why it pays to learn how to fight properly:

– Don’t bring up previous scandals during one fight. This will not solve anything, but only make the situation worse.

– If the quarrel heats up, stop. Go outside and walk around for a while. Go back to the conversation only when you have cooled down.

– Remember, being right in an argument is not as important as feeling that you were listened to with respect.

– Don’t try to avoid arguments. Say what’s bothering you and admit what’s bothering you.

7. Learn to forgive.

Don’t try to change your partner-it’s a sign of disrespect. Accept the fact that you have disagreements, love the person in spite of them and try to forgive.

But how do you learn to forgive?

When the fight is over, it doesn’t matter who was right and who was wrong. Put all conflicts in the past instead of remembering them every month.

There is no need to keep score. There should be no winners and losers in a relationship. Everything should be done and given freely, that is, without manipulation and expectation of something in return.

When your partner makes a mistake, separate his behavior from his intentions. Don’t forget what you value and love about your partner. Everyone makes mistakes. And if a person makes a mistake, it doesn’t mean he secretly hates you and wants to break up.

8. Be pragmatic.

Any relationship isn’t perfect, because we’re not perfect either. So be pragmatic: determine what each of you are good at, what you like and do not like to do, and then assign duties.

In addition, many couples are advised to define some rules in advance. For example, how will you divide all expenses? How much are you willing to borrow? How much can each partner spend without consulting the other? What should you be sure to buy together? How will you decide where to go on vacation?

Some people even hold annual reports, during which they discuss running things and decide what to change in the household. It certainly sounds trivial, but this approach really helps to be aware of your partner’s needs and strengthens the relationship.

9. Remember the little things.

Simple signs of attention, compliments and support mean a lot. All these little things accumulate over time and affect how you perceive your relationship. Therefore, many people advise to continue to go on dates, go out on weekends and be sure to make time for sex, even when you’re tired. Physical intimacy not only allows you to maintain a healthy relationship, but even helps to fix it when something has gone wrong.

This becomes especially important with the arrival of children. In today’s culture, one almost prays on them. It is believed that parents have to sacrifice everything for them.

The best guarantee that children will grow up healthy and happy is a healthy and happy parent-child relationship.

So let your relationship always come first.

10. Learn to catch the wave.

Relationships can be compared to waves on the sea. Such waves are different emotions, ups and downs in a relationship. Some last only a few hours, others last a few months or even years.

The main thing is not to forget that these waves themselves hardly reflect the quality of the relationship. They are influenced by many external factors: loss or change of job, death of relatives, moves, financial difficulties. You just have to catch the wave together with your partner, no matter where it takes you.

OLD MAN & YOUNG WIVE

I slept outside last night over a fight my husband and I had.

What caused the fight?.

We were sitting in the living room, after dinner, watching a show on the tv, when he requested for a cup of water. I got the water alright, but before handing it to him, I sat down beside him, and took a sip from it, though I wasn’t thirsty.

“Here you go”. i said, offering him the glass.

But to my confusion, this man didn’t make any attempt to collect the cup from me. He stares at it, and at me like I just committed a grīevous offence. He stares to the point that I had to check out the cup.

….Is there a problem?”. I had to break the silence..

“You were thirsty, why didn’t you get a glass for yourself? . Why would you drink mine before giving to me?”. He quarrelled.

“I didn’t drink, I only took a sip”. I laughed, taking another sip, and another, and another…

Honestly, to me, he was playing. We are newly wedded, and should still be on honeymoon, right?.

“I’m talking, you’re still drinking?”. He yelled.

“Now, if you continue yelling at me that way, I’m going to finish this water, and you will have nothing left. Take this from me now!”. I joked.

“You’re commanding me?”. He widened his gaze.

I lifted the glass up again, and started drinking slowly, smiling at him, and expecting him to take it before I finish, but this man was just sitting there, staring at me until the glass was almost empty, and like I said, I wasn’t thirsty.

I put down the cup

“Why didn’t you take the cup from me?. Now you’ve made me drink too much water”. I quarrelled him.

“Susanna, what are you doing?. What’s wrong with you?”. He asked.

“You should be telling me sorry, not yelling at me, mr handsome”. I said, playfully pulling at his white beards.

That was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

He pushed my hand away forcefully in such a way that the glass fell back on me, spilling the remnant of the liquid all over me.

“How dare you?”. He roared.

“I, I..”. I was dumbfounded.

“Why would you touch my beard?, for what?”. He demanded

“But I was only playing with you”. I stammered.

“Playing with me as what? Age mates?”. He said.

That got me infuriated too. Like, what does age has to do with this?.

“But I, I was, you, you’re my husband. Shouldn’t I play with my husband again?”. I stammered.

“Listen to me, I am your husband, yes. But do not forget we are not age mates. I am 61 year old, almost a triple your age. So learn how to behave yourself anytime we are together”. He warned me, sternly.

I looked at my wet clothes, and back at him, still staring at me.

“Are you not going to say sorry for pouring water on me?”. I asked.

For a response, he gave me a bombastic side eye, sighed, and turned around to face the television.

“Susanna, go get me another glass of water”. He muttered, without looking at me.

I got up, dropped the glass on the table, picked my phone from the couch, but instead of going inside the bedroom, I walked towards the exit, opened the door, and went outside.

I was murmuring as I paced up and down the veranda.

“I’m not stepping my foot into that house until he comes out here, and apologize”.

After about 10 minutes of waiting, I heard the entrance door clicked…finally, he is here.

“I’m going to quarrel him for leaving me in the cold for so long”. I muttered to myself.

I turned around, and faced the opposite direction squeezing my face as I do.

I waited extra 5 minutes, yet he didn’t show up…. I wonder what he was doing at the door.

At this point, I was tired of standing, so I pulled out a chair, and sat down.

“Me and this man tonight. Let him come out first”. I muttered to myself.

I leaned back on the chair, with my legs high on the table. That was how I slept off.

I was awoken by a voice close to me.

I opened my eyes to behold the security man, standing before me.

“Wait, I’m still outside?”. I asked.

“Yes, you dey outside since. Mosquito no dey bite you?”. He asked, concerned.

I put down my legs, and tapped at my phone screen. Time was 10 minutes past 11pm.

“What! this man left me outside?”. I hissed.

“Why oga go do that kind thing now?”. He frowned.

“Mustapha!”. I screamed out..

“Yes madam”.

“Mind your business”. I warned him.

I quickly stood up to go in. The first thing I noticed was the duvet(our duvet) lying by the sill of the door.

How did this get here?. I wondered.

Again, when I tried to open the door, I discovered that this story belongs to Joy Ifunanya he has locked the door from within. I was embarrassed.

“E lock door?”. Mustapha asked from behind.

“Mustapha, go back to your cabin”. I ordered him, without turning.

“Okay. Goodnight”. He said.

I waited until the sound of his heavy footsteps faded, then I dialed my husband’s number. But then, his two lines were off.

No need knocking. I just took two seats, placed them together at a corner in the veranda, where I was sure mustapha won’t easily notice, sat down, and covered myself with the duvet.

That was where I slept till this morning.

It was few minutes before 6am that I heard a faint sound. I opened my eyes, and saw him (hubby) standing in front of the door.

“This will teach you not to disrespect your elders”. He’d said to me before going back inside.

I don enter.

Please, my fellow married women, na so the marriage thing dey be…..?

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I knew someone that had been divorced 3 times in 7 years, 3x married to different men. And I also knew a man that had married 6 different women and had divorced them…he’s presently married to the 7th. This is not a mockery post. I’m a woman and I can never predict my future, even you too as a reader to this post can never predict the future.

My aim of this writing is to share few tips to the divorcee(either male or female), I’m not a relationship adviser, just sharing a few tips that may help base on life experiences of other people have came across (I love listening/reading peoples story so I could learn some lesson from them)

After divorce, divorce is not the end of life, you’ll remarry again, won’t you?( Well that’s your choice anyway). What you shouldn’t do is marry because you want to pepper your EX, Also don’t marry because of the too much pressure on you, you may likely end up repeating the circle again.

Aside praying for a good spouse, you need to work on you too and here are few tips that could help you.

1. You need to heal first. Healing is important or else you’ll put you baggage on an innocent person’s head. If you think you need a therapy, go get it.
Take time to heal and understand your own relationship needs and expectations. Let go of anger and resentments from your past relationships.

2. Work on yourself. Improve yourself… You can’t tell me you Ex is the only bad person, I’m not saying you are bad but trying to let you know as human we all have our flaws. Figure out yours and work on it. For example, If you are short tempered try seek help on anger management etc.

3. Improve yourself. Find Stability in Your Life to Avoid Instability in Remarriage. Mental stability, financial stability, etc are necessary.

4. Your Ex is not your enemy, don’t turn your children into h@ting their mother or father. Marriage didn’t work between you, yes, so what? You aren’t the first nor the last…. Why deprived your children of their mother’s or father’s love? Find a way to keep them connected without interfering with your own new life. Always make plans with the needs of your Children in mind.

5. What exactly do you need? Yes, what do you want in choosing your next spouse. Figure them out. If you don’t know what you want, you can never appreciate the person.

6. Change the cycle. Sometimes you keep repeating same mistakes because of your cycle. You want a woman that get big yansh, big boobs beautiful and curvy, that can dress to k!ll yet ….you married her and tell her to start dressing like a grandma… You also know you don dey buy job for yourself. Why not marry a lady that dresses modestly as you want it? Watin you know you no fit finish, don’t start am. You don’t want a working wife but you married a career woman and you want her to leave her job for you. What happened to those ladies that will happily choose to be a full house wife?

7. Forgive your Ex, also forgive yourself.

Make I stop here go pray. Sense or nonsense, person go learn small 🤏thing here.

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The husband should, at the time of consummating the marriage with his wife or before that, place his hand on the front part of her head, mention the name of Allah Most High, and pray for Allah’s blessings. As in the statement of the Prophet: “When any of you marries a woman … he should hold her forelock, mention Allah Most High, and pray for His blessings saying:

“O Allaah, I ask You for the good in her and the good with which You have created her, and I seek refuge in You from the evil in her and the evil with which You have created her.” {Allaahumma innee as’aluka min khairiha wa khairi maa jabaltaha ‘alaihi wa a’oodhubika min sharriha wa sharri maa jabaltaha ‘alaihi} [Aboo Dawood and others. Al-Bukhari in “Af’aalul -‘Ibaad”, Aboo Dawood, Ibn Majah, al-Haakim, al- Baihaqee and Aboo Ya’laa with hasan isnaad …]

It is desirable, when one goes into his wife on his wedding night, to show her kindness, such as presenting her with something to drink, etc. This is found in the hadith narrated by Asmaa’ bint Yazid ibn As-Sakan who said: “I beautified ‘As’ishah for Allaah’s Messenger, then called him to come to see her unveiled. He came, sat next to her, and brought a large cup of milk from which he drank. Then, he offered it to ‘Aa’ishah, but she lowered her head and felt shy. I scolded her and said to her: “Take from the hand of the Prophet.” She then took it and drank some. 

Then, the Prophet said to her, “Give some to your companion.” At that point, I said: “O Messenger of Allaah, rather take it yourself and drink, and then give it to me from your hand.” He took it, drank some, and then offered it to me. I sat down and put it on my kness. Then, I began rotating it and following it with my lips in order that I might hit the spot from which the Prophet had drunk. Then, the Prophet said about some women who were there with me: “Give them some.” But, they said: “We don’t want it.” (ie. we are not hungry). The Prophet said: “Do not combine hunger and fibbing!” [Ahmad and al-Humaidi. Ahmad reports it with 2 isnaads – one of which supports the other, and it is supported…]”

When you have issues with your husband, some men are already wishing it leads to divorce. If these men have access to you, they will advise you to leave the marriage for this purpose.

A man that is proposing to you while you are still married is not responsible. He goes to the extent of taking you out, sending you money and admitting you into the hotel room for immorality, do you think he is better than your husband?

As we speak, some women are keeping side cock, planning to move into the man’s house immediately the opportunity comes to do so. This is wrong.

Having an affair with another man without a proper divorce process means you are committing adultery. Definitely, a man that invites you into immorality is a misfit.

A depressed wife ran into this man on social media, she explained herself to him, the traumatic situation she has found herself. The man saw it as an avenue to take advantage of her situation, the woman shifted her attention to him. So, he was sleeping with another man’s wife claiming he wanted to help her ministry.

As a wife going through difficult situation in marriage, looking for opposite sex to lean on is an abberation. You have family members to discuss with or professionals who will guide you through the process. Sin can never be a solution.

Always pay attention to details.

Abu Sheikh

POLYGYNY

My tiny advice to our sisters in Islamic polygyny

Co-wives in polygyny are like passengers on the same vehicles. They boarded at different point with an independent contract. They became companion on a journey of life by destiny and by choice. This journey, designed by the One who decreed it, has got rules and regulations, and He (Allah) is the referee. Human beings are only linesmen. Avoid foul and penalty at all costs.

These co-travellers have different backgrounds, upbringing, and life goals. They are like a player from different coach having to play in the same match. What unify them is the rule of the game. Hence, everyone should learn the rules of the game. Avoid asking for rights but your duties.

The co-traveller has two choices.

The first choice is to enjoy the ride together happily by learning and following rules of the game and earn heavy rewards. Experience will be like paradise on earth.

The second choice is to ignore the rules of the game, commit foul, quarell, outsmart each other, be a mafia, manipulate the driver, be greedy, self-centered, and get penalized by the referee. It is a choice for the journey in which the experience will be worse than hell on earth. (Wal auzubillah)

I will advise they choose option one. In that option, they will have to follow these Eleven (11) tiny advices.

1. It is an act of worship. Be responsible for your attitude, speeches, and actions. Allah says: “And everything they did is in written records. And every small and great [thing] is inscribed.Indeed, the righteous will be among gardens and rivers,” (Q54: 52-54)

2. Be selfless in the journey. Do not expect appreciation from anyone but Allah. Allah honoured the Ansar thus: “And [also for] those who were settled in the Home [i.e.,al-Madīnah] and [adopted] the faith before them. They love those who emigrated to them and find not any want in their breasts of what they [i.e., the emigrants] were given but give [them] preference over themselves, even though they are in privation. And whoever is protected from the stinginess of his soul – it is those who will be the successful.”(Q59:9) Read the book ” Sacrifice: the making of a Muslim.”

3. You owe each other the right of sisterhood as entrenched in Islam. “The believers are but brothers, so make settlement between your brothers. And fear Allāh that you may receive mercy. (Q49:10)

4. Avoid competition. Everyone has her goal to score with Allah, not human beings. Stop borrowing from.other people life pattern, only learn from the bringer of glad tidings, Muhammad (saw)

5. Apologise even when you think you are right. Be the peace maker.

6. Show gratitude for every little thing anyone does to you as ibaada.

7. The husband is a nice garment Allah has decree co-wives should share, do not be greedy. Dragging it might tear the garment, and all and sundry suffer the consequences

8. Evaluate yourself at every point of the journey and ask yourself, “What could I have done better next time to make journey sweeter for the travellers and the driver?”” Avoid conditions that will destract the driver, else everyone’s safety will be at risk or the journey becomes longer. Remember, when the driver is happy, he makes better decisions for the safety of all, and no one feels the stress of the journey.

9. See all occupants of your husband’s house as an opportunity to please Allah, your sister or brother in Islam, do not cheat him/her, do not spy, backbite, slander, outsmart anyone, the referee is watching.

10. Avoid rumour or hear-say, reading facial expressions or perceived emotional action, fear Allah. “O you who have believed, if there comes to you a disobedient one with information, investigate, lest you harm a people out of ignorance and become, over what you have done, regretful.” (49:6)

11. Adopt Sabr, (patience, perseverance, endurance, commitment, dedication) to serving Allah. Shaitan and his armies among men and jin are out there to soil your intention and drag you to get a red card from the referee. Rememeber Allah’s admonition to the believers on the journey of life: “O you who have believed, persevere and endure and remain firm and fear Allāh that you may be successful.” (Q3:200)

May Allah grant us the honour of those people Allah described in the Qur’an: “And will reward them for what they patiently endured [with] a garden [in Paradise] and silk [garments]. (Q76:12)
May Allah grant us aljannat firdaus for playing the game by the rules. Ameen.

From the stable of our Ministry.

Honourable Saheed Amoo cares.